If the NHL playoffs started today…

With just a week to go in the 2013-14 NHL season, the playoff picture is all but decided. A few wild card spots are still up for grabs, which should make for a riveting next few days, but otherwise, the teams you see in the top eight today are the ones you’ll see next Sunday. This means it is officially okay for you to start taunting any team below the cutoff line, while studying up on the teams above it. If you cheer for a playoff team, that is. (If you don’t, it’s probably Garth Snow’s fault.) To help get you started, here are the matchups in the East if the playoffs started today, along with some hasty analysis and foolhardy predictions.

Boston (A1) vs. Columbus (W2) 

Season Series (Bruins won 3-0-0)

10/12: Boston 3, Columbus 1

11/14: Boston 3, Columbus 2

11/30: Boston 3, Columbus 1

­Top Scorers

Boston: David Krejci (17-49-66); Jarome Iginla (30-31-61); Patrice Bergeron (28-32-60)

Columbus: Ryan Johansen (31-25-56); Brandon Dubinsky (16-31-47); James Wisniewski (7-40-47)

Starting Goalies

Boston: Tuukka Rask (35-15-5, 2.04 GAA, .930 SV%)

Columbus: Sergei Bobrovsky (28-20-5, 2.45 GAA, .920 SV%)

Initial Reaction

The Blue Jackets haven’t won a playoff series in their 13-year history, and that won’t change here. It’s not just that the Bruins swept the season series – though that’s a bad omen by itself – and not just that eight seeds don’t generally beat one seeds. It’s that the Bruins are clinically dominant. There is a better chance that the Calgary Flames win the Stanley Cup this year than Boston loses in the first round. The Calgary Flames are in 13th place in the Western Conference. This isn’t to knock the Blue Jackets, a strong team that plays exceptionally hard. Against anyone else in the East, they would have a real shot. But to think they can beat the Bruins in a best-of-seven series is pretty much reckless.  

Matchup to Watch

Ryan Johansen vs. Patrice Bergeron. Can the gifted young center for Columbus make his strong season stand up against the tight checking of Bergeron?

Prediction Time

It’s fun to think of the Blue Jackets pushing the B’s to the limit, but Boston is too experienced, too professional and simply too good to let that happen. There’s a chance that Bobrovsky steals a game somewhere along the line, but he won’t steal four. Bruins in five.   

Tampa Bay (A2) vs. Montreal (A3) 

Season Series (Lightning won 3-0-1)

11/12: Tampa Bay 2, Montreal 1 (SO)

12/28: Montreal 2, Tampa Bay 1 (SO)

2/1: Tampa Bay 2, Montreal 1 (OT)

4/1: Tampa Bay 3, Montreal 1

Top Scorers

Tampa Bay: Valterri Filppula (25-32-57); Ondrej Palat (20-35-55); Victor Hedman (12-38-50)

Montreal: Thomas Vanek (27-40-67); Max Pacioretty (39-21-60); P.K. Subban (10-43-53)

Starting Goalies

Tampa Bay: Ben Bishop (37-14-7, 2.23 GAA, .924 SV%)

Montreal: Carey Price (33-19-5, 2.37 GAA, .925 SV%)

Initial Reaction

Well if the regular season matchups are any indication, this would be a flat-out awesome series. In Tampa Bay, you have a team founded on size up front, an identity manifested in the big-boned likes of Steven Stamkos, Alex Killorn and Teddy Purcell. In Montreal, you have just the opposite, where diminutive speedsters like Daniel Briere, Brendan Gallagher, Tomas Plekanec and Brian Gionta lead the attack. There’s not a whole lot of bad blood between these teams, but you can bet recent Lightning acquisition Ryan Callahan, who will treat this as a USA-Canada rematch for motivational purposes, will do his best to change that. The image of him barreling into P.K. Subban and Subban coming right back at him is enjoyable no matter how many times you replay it in your head. Also enjoyable is the thought of how fans in Montreal would react if their blue-blood Canadiens lost to a hockey team from…Tampa Bay. Oh, the horror!!

Matchup to Watch

Ben Bishop vs. Carey Price: two of the best young goaltenders in the NHL square off in a head-to-head duel.

Prediction Time

Though the Canadiens are known for their band of small, fleet-footed forwards, the truth is the team has bulked up its offense in the past couple of years. Max Pacioretty (6’2) has emerged as a goal-scoring machine, Lars Eller (6’2) continues to impress in his second season and recently acquired Thomas Vanek (6’0) is probably the one forward on this team who can dazzle with the puck and ride every roller coaster at Six Flags. Against Tampa Bay, a team that likes to impose its will on the opposition, that will be the difference. Canadiens in six. 

Pittsburgh (M1) vs. Detroit (W1)

Season Series (Tied 1-0-1)

12/14: Pittsburgh 4, Detroit 1

3/20: Detroit 5, Pittsburgh 4 (OT)

4/9: Detroit at Pittsburgh

Top Scorers

Pittsburgh: Sidney Crosby (36-66-102); Evgeni Malkin (23-49-72); Chris Kunitz (35-32-67)

Detroit: Henrik Zetterberg (16-32-48); Niklas Kronwall (8-40-48); Gustav Nyquist (28-19-47)

Starting Goalies

Pittsburgh: Marc-Andre Fleury (38-18-4, 2.34 GAA, .917 SV%)

Detroit: Jimmy Howard (20-18-11, 2.68 GAA, .910 SV%)

Initial Reaction

Old foes meet again. After staging epic battle after epic battle in the late 1950’s, the Red Wings and Penguins collide again some sixty years later to pry open an old chest of enmity and strife. Wait, what? Well that’s what NBC might try to feed you if these two teams meet in early April, considering where the NHL stood five or six years ago. Detroit and Pittsburgh, remember, met in back-to-back Stanley Cup showdowns in 2008 and 2009, the Wings winning round one, the Penguins taking round two. They haven’t played many high-stakes games since – and none in the playoffs – but there are enough holdovers on each team for some lingering hostility to boil over. Still, these teams are not the same. The Wings have grown older and more vulnerable in the years since, while the Penguins haven’t seemed to age at all, partly because Sidney Crosby still hasn’t figured out the whole moustache thing. Where Detroit could run with Pittsburgh five years ago, they probably can’t keep up with them anymore, even with a healthy Pavel Datsyuk and a healthy Henrik Zetterberg. This is an intriguing matchup on the surface, but likely not much of a series.

Matchup to Watch

Henrik Zetterberg vs. Sidney Crosby: will Zetterberg shadow Crosby again the way he did five years ago in the Cup final?

Prediction Time

One look at the stats says it all. The Penguins are the third highest-scoring team in the NHL, the Red Wings are the 18th. The Penguins allow the eighth fewest goals per game; the Red Wings are eight spots below them at 16th. The Penguins have the best power play in the league, the Red Wings, uhm, don’t. There are simply too many weapons on this Pittsburgh team for a squad as thin as Detroit to contain, and with Jimmy Howard struggling through a subpar season the Wings’ chances of stealing a series are basically zilch. But wait! The Penguins have Marc-Andre Fleury in net, who likes to make it very hard for his team to win in the playoffs. If he has the type of meltdown he had last year against the Islanders, don’t count out the veteran-heavy Red Wings. Penguins in six. 

Philadelphia Flyers (M2) vs. New York Rangers (M3) 

Season Series (Flyers lead 2-1-0)

10/24: Philadelphia 2, New York 1

1/12: New York 4, Philadelphia 1

3/1: Philadelphia 4, New York 2

3/26: New York 3, Philadelphia 1

Top Scorers

Philadelphia: Claude Giroux (25-54-79); Wayne Simmonds (64-31-57); Jakub Voracek (21-36-57)

New York: Martin St. Louis (30-35-65); Mats Zuccarello (19-38-57); Derek Stepan (16-38-54)

Starting Goalies

Philadelphia: Steve Mason (32-18-7, 2.52 GAA, .916 SV%)

New York: Henrik Lundqvist (31-24-5, 2.41 GAA, SV% .919)

Initial Reaction

Hockey Gods, please make this happen. (As it stands now, this is actually the first-round series most likely to occur.) These two cities have had some rousing get-togethers in the playoffs recently, but not on the ice. The Giants and Eagles sparred in the postseason in 2007 and 2009, the Yankees and Phillies met in the World Series in 2009, and the Knicks and 76ers…played a good game the other night. But you’d have to go all the way back to 1997 to name the last time the Rangers and Flyers squared off in the playoffs, which is a bummer for fans that like to watch two teams try to kill each other night after night. And if these longtime rivals collide this spring, expect exactly that. The Rangers might not hate any team more than the Flyers – a sentiment they share with about 13 other teams in the NHL – and the Flyers might not enjoy antagonizing any team more than the Rangers. This should be a doozy.

­Matchup to Watch

Daniel Carcillo vs. Anyone in orange: the former Flyer is just what this series needs to go from unruly to flat-out anarchic.

Prediction Time

Flip a coin. A pair of teams as evenly-matched as they come, the Rangers and Flyers could play each other 50 times and split 25 wins down the middle. And game 51, for tie-breaking purposes, would undoubtedly go to overtime (where Olli Jokinen would find a way to screw things up for the Blueshirts.) Point is, picking between these two teams is a total toss-up, for neither side has any glaring advantage in the personnel department. Except maybe between the pipes, where the Rangers own the battle-tested Henrik Lundqvist while the Flyers turn to the inexperienced Steve Mason. We’ll call that the difference. Rangers in seven.