Forecasting the Baltimore Orioles

Baltimore Orioles

A rain delay at Camden Yards. An article about weather terms. It fits.

It’s been raining in Baltimore and the surrounding area a lot recently (right, Adam Duritz?), and that’s had me thinking a lot about weather and how it will affect my plans for summer, as well as how it will affect the Baltimore Orioles.

After that, one thought kind of led to another and now we’re here: let’s try and project how different O’s players will fare as the weather turns canine (see, like dog da– oh, never mind. You get it). Also, I’m gonna try to sprinkle in weather terms to keep with the theme, and also for my own weird amusement. Maybe yours, too.

Chris Davis

Sunny. Really sunny. Like, “if you don’t wear sunglasses you will be blinded” sunny.

I don’t know if you all know this, but Davis is, like, really strong. The home runs will come in time, like they did on Tuesday. He’ll be fine, even if he happens to go into another drought, which I don’t think he will. His average will probably never be around .300, as it was for most of last season, but then again, his average isn’t what he’s gonna get paid millions and millions for this offseason.

Related: man, can Davis pick it at first base. He seems to make at leave one pick every game that makes me say “wow.” And to top it all off, he and his wife are about to have a baby! Everything’s coming up Crush.

Chris Tillman

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

That’s two puns in one! I can’t believe I give all my good stuff away for free. ANYWAY. Tillman has been catching a ride on the struggle bus for a while now, save for his complete game shutout against Kansas City. He isn’t admitting it, but it’s obvious that Tillman’s groin injury is affecting his effectiveness. He will probably have to hit the disabled list at some point to let it heal fully. Until then, he could be brilliant, as he was against KC, or he could get absolutely shelled like he was Wednesday. It depends on that day’s outlook and how he feels.

Tommy Hunter

GOLF BALL-SIZED HAIL, TORRENTIAL DOWNPOURS, EARTHQUAKES, ETC. 

Hyperbole? Maybe. (Probably). But I think even Hunter himself would admit that he’s been terrible on the mound this season. He has yet to record a full, clean inning all year (he has a 1.84 WHIP). It’s a minor miracle that he only blew three saves out of 14 chances when he was in the closer’s role, but skipper Buck Showalter saw what everyone else did and removed him from the role this week.

Now, to make matters worse, Hunter has been placed on the DL with a left groin strain. Maybe the time off will allow the storms in his head to pass. I hope so anyway. Hunter has the talent to be a good reliever; whether he can work past his mental block and get back to form will remain to be seen.

Manny Machado

Excessive Heat Warning. 

Mannyland is about to get sweltering. The young third baseman is starting to rake after a rough 1-for-11 start to his season, recording hits in 10 of his last 11 games. He only has one home run on the year, but I think they’re coming. He looks really confident at the plate.

A bigger point of concern is his defense. Machado has committed four errors in 13 games this season; he committed only 13 in 156 games in 2013. Now, it might just be a result of Machado getting his legs under him again after missing the first month of the season, but it is something to monitor going forward.

*****(Fair warning: This is the point of the article where your learning [if it happened at all] will cease. From here on, it’s just me having fun and talkin’ ’bout some weather and some baseball. I think you’ll have fun reading it, but I figured I’d give a heads-up anyway.)*****

Nelson Cruz

THUNDERSNOW.

Nelson Cruz is thundersnow for a few reasons:

A). He is an adventure in left field, and you always have an adventure when you go out during thundersnow.

B). A big component of thundersnow is thunder, and Cruz brings the thunder when he hits home runs. He does this kind of a lot. 

C). Another big component of thundersnow is snow, which is fun to play with. Cruz also appears fun to play with. Or at least is funny.

In summation: Nelson Cruz, like thundersnow, is awesome.

Bud Norris

Like 55 degrees, partly cloudy, with a breeze.

Bud Norris is a perfectly OK major league starter, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes he can even be great if calls go his way and the defense behind him plays well, like how 55 degrees can feel awesome if the clouds go away and the breeze is existent but not overpowering.

He was like this in his last start against Kansas City, even hough he took the hard-luck loss. But other times, the clouds completely block the sun and the wind picks up to unbearable levels and you just know a storm is coming, and on those days, Bud Norris gives up 6 runs over 4 innings, or something like that. What I’m trying to say is, Norris is fine. 55 degrees is fine. But you’d always rather have it be sunny with a high of 75.

Did that make sense? Kinda? OK, moving on.

Buck Showalter

I had a really hard time with this one. He’s not sunny, certainly. I think I’ve seen him smile like, twice during his tenure in Charm City. But I can’t call him rainy or cloudy, either. He’s completely turned around the franchise, and those weather terms imply struggles.

So I did some research, and I’ve decided that Showalter is a HEAT BURST. According to Wikipedia (a very reliable source, I know), a heat burst is characterized in part by a very rapid rise in temperature, much like how the 2010 Orioles got really good when he took over and won 34 of their last 57 games. It also says the phenomenon is not fully understood, which, yeah, how did that 2010 O’s team do that? They were terrible. Their first baseman was Garrett Atkins! Rhyne Hughes was on that team! Orioles magic, man. Showalter brought it back.

If you’re still reading, you have way too much patience, but I thank you regardless. Do you agree with my foolproof* forecasts and weather metaphors? What weather phenomenon would you compare your favorite Orioles player to? Comment below!

*Note: not at all foolproof

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